Big Sister

When I was growing up I wanted to be just like my big sister(she's the one with the fancy glasses and fancy hairdo; I'm the nerdy one with the scarf). She was smart, pretty and social. She had a lot of friends and did real well in math. She's the reason I like math, too. I was always shy and stayed in the background observing how my sister ventured out into the world as a teenager. She dated some good looking guys and hung out with all of the popular kids. The four of us would watch behind the curtains as she kissed her date goodnight.

In many ways she was mom to me as well because she's six years older. She always made sure the four of us younger ones stayed out of trouble. She made a huge sacrifice for a little kid herself, but she always had a good heart about it. I don't remember her ever lording it over us that she was older. She was a good big sister to four rowdy kids. If she ever resented the fact that we stole her childhood from her I've never known about it.

She always gives me a sense of balance because she remembers the good days. The days when there were seven of us piling into the car to go for a ride in the mountains. She remembers when dad painted our bedrooms crazy shades of red just for the fun of it. She remembers my dad bouncing me on his knee and playing checkers on the floor. She can tell me all about the rabbits, dogs and even an aligator in the bathtub. She understands why it was so hard for me to let go of dad and how angry I was at God for taking him away.

There are wasted years in between then and now and times we didn't agree. But God has been good to us and put us on the same path. We share a deep desire to know the God that we used to blame for all the pain. There are things we say to each other and the other answers, "I know" in a way no one else but a sister could know. God is good to us to give us a faith to share and good memories along with the sorrow.

For all of the stories of times I will never be able to remember my big sister reminds me that the first few years of my life were good and happy and fun and normal. And all I've ever wished for was a time in my childhood where I could say we were a normal family with two parents, a dog and some kids. She reminds me that we had all of that and more: a God who was there keeping his hand on us and guiding us in this strange world where joy can turn to sorrow and sorrow can turn to joy.